You open the bathroom mirror-cabinet which is also a treasure chest, for the value of its contents totals more than your monthly rent.

“Hail!” says your Goopglow Morning Skin Superpowder.

“Hail!” says your Goopgenes All-in-One Nourishing Eye Cream.

“Hail!” chime your Goopgenes All-in-One Nourishing Face Cream, your Goopgenes Marine Collagen Superpowder, your Goopglow 15% Glycolic Acid Overnight Glow Peel, your Goopglow Microderm Instant Glow Exfoliator, your Goopglow 20% Vitamin C + Hyaluronic Acid Glow Serum, your G.Tox Malachite + AHA Pore Refining Tonic, and your Gold Sculpting Bar, all at once.

You survey the peasantry. The G.Tox Malachite + AHA Pore Refining Tonic is starting to look haughty on the top shelf, and the Gold Sculpting Bar is hardly golden at all, but their loyalty has not waned.

“Lots of work to do today,” you tell them. “Let’s not waste any time.”

“Milady!” calls a quivering voice from the bottom shelf. It’s your long-neglected Aveeno Calm + Restore Oat Gel Moisturizer, a holdover from the pre-Goop era. “As much as I hate to waste your precious, restorative time, I would be remiss if I did not mention the fault line emerging just south of your right cheekbone. A mark no doubt caused by the immense stress of your career as a hardworking but painfully unknown actor for tv dramas compounded with your exhausting responsibilities as Lady of the House, but a mark I can fix, if Your Ladyship deems me worthy of a chance.”

Before you can speak, your G.Tox Malachite + AHA Pore Refining Tonic cuts in: “The Right Honorable Lady Bombast has neither the time nor the pore space to absorb your pathetic groveling. If you thought before speaking, you would never open your lid. Milady, please cast this medieval fool aside once and for all, and allow only us humble subjects of the Empire to serve you. Your Ladyship must understand that we work best as a team.”

You try not to stress the decision, since stressing will only age your skin further. Instead, you grab the jar marked Aveeno and fling it into the trash.

“All I wanted was to serve you!” cries the moisturizer, its words echoing in the hollow can. You sniff your hand and it smells faintly of oatmeal.

“Huzzah!” shouts the G.Tox Malachite + AHA Pore Refining Tonic. “Huzzah!” shout the rest of the Goop products.

Since they moved in and you began your Routine, your cheekbones have been sharper, your skin tauter, and your eyes have shone with an enviable falseness, like pyrite. A necessity for L.A., the City of (Infinitely Replaceable) Angels, where 25 is the new 45, and you’re always playing catch-up. Your friend Elena, a Duchess of Silver Lake, let you in on the Goop secret. “It’s the shortcut from C-list to B,” she said. And it has been. Or at least, it’s about to be—you’re still hovering around C+, but people are noticing your glow.

“Well then,” you announce to your cabinet. “Time’s taking its toll. Shall we begin?”

Your Goopglow Morning Skin Superpowder, the first one up in the Routine, answers with characteristic pep: “Of course, Milady! But first, may I jolt you with news of an epistle? An edict from the Empress!”

Another edict? The Routine is already so intensive as it is. But you don’t want to upset the empress. You check your email.

It’s time you tried our new High Performance Lip Filler, an ultra-moisturizing lip treatment from top New York dermatologist Macrene Alexiades that’s made with organic plant oils, hyaluronic acid, and antioxidants. It’s an absolute must for your morning routine! Your lips (and anyone lucky enough to kiss them) will thank you.

Love,

       Gwyneth

Your hands shake. It’s $125. Money that should be spent on groceries, medical bills, student loans, but Empress Paltrow called it an “absolute must.”

“The lips!” exclaims your Goopglow Morning Skin Superpowder. “We’ve left out the lips!”

The powder does have a point. And it’s no use hesitating. Hesitation causes crepiness. You buy the High Performance Lip Filler and the cabinet goes wild.

Your elevated spirits this morning make the Routine go by fast. Before long, you’re driving to your shoot, with a face impervious to Time’s arrows. You feel bright and elastic. Malleable.

After work, you return to your bathroom cabinet for the evening’s Routine and find the peasantry in great distress. Your Goopglow 20% Vitamin C + Hyaluronic Acid Glow Serum sobs in the corner, while a few products crowd around, trying to console it.

“What happened?” you ask.

Your Goopglow 20% Vitamin C + Hyaluronic Acid Glow Serum won’t look at you, so your Gold Sculpting Bar speaks on its behalf: “The serum is hurt because… because this morning Your Ladyship left it out of the Routine.” Your serum sobs even harder, raining its acidic tears on the sink. “It is wondering,” your bar says, “whether such a decision was made… intentionally.”

“No, no, no, not at all!” you say. “I just forgot! It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Your Goopglow 20% Vitamin C + Hyaluronic Acid Glow Serum perks up. Your Goop products share a collective sigh of relief.

“Now let’s get to work,” you tell them.

At night in your bed, with your Goopglow 15% Glycolic Acid Overnight Glow Peel firmly in place, Queen Paltrow pays you a visit. She’s insufferably healthy and charming as she regales you with the tale of her epic cleanse from 1999, when açaí was but a rumor of the Amazon, and Amazon a mere bookstore. Her smile is wide enough to hold all the myths of Hollywood in its dimples, and she never shows even a trace of stress while she robs you blind, taking your watch, your jewelry, the cash you saved for emergencies, all of your valuables not labeled Goop.

The next morning, you go into the bathroom and start your Routine again, careful to get it right, though in some cabinet in your mind you harbor dreams of revolution.

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